I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
