you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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