I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
