I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Send help, water and tortillas.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
