Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
