He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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