I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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