I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
