my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
