you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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