Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Don't make out with my wife yet
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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