My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
