It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
