That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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