i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
