dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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