thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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