Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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