in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
That accounts for only three of the penises
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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