the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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