i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
