That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
