hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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