Pants 0. Shit 1.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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