your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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