That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Too much gin, very little bucket
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
