Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
