1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
