his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
