just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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