saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
