Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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