Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
