i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
