so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
A+ Viking dick
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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