I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
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My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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