Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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