My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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