my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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