Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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