so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.