3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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