actually, I'm a sock model
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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