An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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