You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
