oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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