This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
