Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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