some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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