I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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