i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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