just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
