Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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