Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
