It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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