I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
