I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
